Gender roles/arachnids/bad for you/Pig

My two big, burly garbage men complained about the weight of my trash. (!?)
I'm not throwing away concrete block, people.  It's regular old household trash.

I asked if they needed my help lifting it into the truck, since I'm the one that carried it all the way down to the road.
"Oh, we figured your husband did." (!!??)
Sigh...and who says that?
"No, he was washing dishes when I took the trash out.  We have our gender roles confused."
I think I confused them, as both of them glanced at my chest.


We've had a ton of gorgeous spiders this year.
Please note: my spider photography sucks.  Most often, I'm in some crazy position trying to avoid webs!

I know a lot of you are ready to slap me for giant spider shots, but I love me some arachnids.
They kill stinkbugs.  They can do no wrong.
Plus, they scare the shit out of Michael...and it's just plain funny when my 6'2 husband runs.. screaming.

  I made a few dishes to freeze..snacky, side-dishy things.
Of course, I had to taste test.

Mushrooms with bourbon cured bacon and a little brown sugar.
I'm not a huge bacon fan DON'T HURT ME!, but these...I could eat my weight in these.  They didn't make it to the freezer.  After we ate a portion with dinner, well, there was no point in freezing the measly amount left.  Waste of freezer space!  I'll make another batch to freeze.  And I won't devour them like some shroom crazed beast. This time.

Michael is a fan of jalapeno poppers.  I am not.
They are tasteless blobs of deep fried nothing-but-hot.  
Unless...you use seasoned panko and a special blend of cheeses and perfectly ripe peppers from the garden.
I even bake the suckers, so we don't have DEEP FRIED SIN..
I'm all about deep fried goodies.  That part is more for people that worry about their arteries.  Unlike me.  Apparently.  Mmm.  Deep fried swiss cheese.  When the hell is the county fair?! 

They are absolutely delicious, except when I got my peppers confused and made some with Michael's OMGWTF peppers.  I have no idea what type they are, except they are yellowish and contain enough heat to make the sun sweat blood.  After I put out my face-fire, they were quite tasty.
Michael LOVES them and declares all other poppers "a waste of time".  How can I refuse to make giant batches of these stupid things?

___________
PIG UPDATE:
For those that asked, Pig is gone.  Or in witness protection. Or at Fat Camp.
I fear she's gone to the Great Bakery in the Sky.
We had one incident with a Pig-that-maybe-wasn't...and that ghog hasn't been back.

I miss her, kind of.
I do not miss her breaking and entering, harassing me, harassing the dogs, eating my yard, etc.
It was kind of nice not to worry every single time I let the dogs out.
   Wherever she is, I hope she is fat and happy and full of caaaaaaaaaaaarbs.

200..

posts!  For me? A miracle.  I get distracted by projects, books, the weather.
Pretty much everything.
This is post 201 and I meant to mention post 200 on that post.  See what I mean?

I should have a giveaway when I reach a bigger number.
  I can give away..hmm..some deer?  The Chaos Dogs?  Michael?
Pig!  I'll giveaway Pig!

It's been a full week since we've seen Pig.  I'm guessing she's gone for the winter.
I checked photos from last year and she vanished in early October.
We haven't seen any signs of a dead animal around (not being morbid, it's just nature) so..
Goodnight, Pig!
I saved this image for her official Fall Retirement.

I have amazing aim, huh?
Don't ask how many flowers were tossed (and eaten) before I landed one.
The key to this is breaking all of the stem off and making sure the back of the daisy is as flat as possible.  Just in case you want to try this at home (yeah, don't do that).

Michael's alarm went off at 4 am.
Voodoo expresses our feelings exactly:

Enjoy your day!
Take a nap for us...

Blech!

It's still chilly (windchill of 36)..and raining..and windy.

I caved and actually tossed food directly into Pig's den.  It's not like I'm somehow making her MORE tame.  She does that all on her own.
(and the creeps that released her).

We're off to watch the Steelers game with friends today.
Good friends, wings, beer and cheering for our team...
That should warm me up!




Have a sunset from this time last year....since, ya know,  I haven't seen the sun in 3 days.

Or, I could warm up with some..Pig skin.  hehehe

"Pig skin...what the hell kinda sick joke is THAT?!"

Well..your fur looks awfully warm.  Would make some nice slippers....

"!!!!!!!!!!"

Penguins regular season hockey starts on October 6th! WOOHOO!!!!

She's back.

I don't know what you'll all do when Pig hibernates!

Frankly, a winter of NOT keeping Pig away from the front door...the dogs..the water heater closet...sounds dreamy!  Go to sleeeep, Pig.  Sleeeeep.
She's hilarious, but she's a big pain!

I made calzones with vegetarian pepperoni..Pig stole the leftovers meant for the crows.  Again.
At least she carried it to her den instead of right outside the front door.

"Something is off about this thing.."

"Smells...weird.."

'What the hell is vegetarian pepperoni?!"

"Ah well, I'll give it a shot!"

 Just because I could....

"Well, that was utter crap.  Got any plain bread?"

 Note the discarded *pepperoni* by her feet?
Un-freakin'-believable.

Michael mowed his down with nary a word.
After finding out it wasn't real pepperoni, he said "It tasted strange".  I don't buy it.
The color changing factor of the fake pepperoni is a turnoff for me.
It started out darker..as it cooked it turned orange.  Freaky.

Heading outside to pick up chestnuts (since the dogs and I step on the damned things!).
 Enjoy your day!

Oh...40% chance of rain now.  UGH!

It's official..

I need therapy.
Or a hobby.
Or winter to get here so Pig hibernates.


Yesterday morning I wandered outside with a camera, a scale and the crow/Pig scraps.
I stood on the giant rock in the yard, well out of Pig's reach, and placed the scale where I thought she would stand.
Pig spotted the bowl and stepped right onto the scale.
(The crows also spotted the bowl and were screaming obscenities from the treetops.)

That went a little easier than I expected!

11 pounds, 2 ounces..roughly.
Average groundhog weight is between 7 and 11 pounds, so sayeth The Google.

She started reaching for my toes...

So I tossed her a leftover tortilla.

My kinda gal...snarfing down carbs while standing on a scale.

"WHAT!?  11 pounds?!"

"I hate dieting."

I got.
A groundhog.
On a scale.
Shouldn't there be some kind of award or prize for this?


This led to me violently cleaning my scale (no offense, Pig, but you are a Wild Thing).
Michael wandered in and asked what I was doing.
"Cleaning the scale..Pig was on it."

He eyeballed me and left the room, muttering something about "crazy"....
If Pig doesn't hibernate soon, God knows what will be next.

Tent math..

We get a lot of comments on the size of our tent..
My tent math:
Add 2 adults and 2 dogs, multiply Michael's height of 74 inches and the amount of days we'll be trapped in the tent because of rain, divide by the hours of whining I'll do if I can't fit a queen size air mattress..and you get a 7-8 person tent.  With a screen room attached. ;)
We have slept in tents meant for 2 people.  Not only no, but hell no.
We were squashed and annoyed.
Camping should be enjoyable.  Even if it's 36 degrees and windy as hell.
This is why I packed flannel sheets, the double sleeping bag and a down comforter.

Guess who forgot her shiny new filter?

 Voodoo, cracked out bird dog, did SO WELL with the terrifying carp and All The Birds.

"Hey, let's walk down and see the gulls!" I said.  Foolishly.

 ...and then I said "RUN!".
The gulls were not playing around- "Bread, or die!".
Feeding gulls is not fun for me.  I don't enjoy feeding birds that happily rip off your fingers.
Even the carp didn't mess with them.

My mom didn't see Pig the whole time we were gone.
As we pulled in the lane yesterday, I spotted an angry lump sitting at the bottom of the front steps.

Fearing she would go all seagull on our asses, I tossed a carob brownie her way and we ran for the house.

Freaky!

Weird encounter with my neighbor this morning.  Part of my property is bordered by a neighbor I've only seen.  We've never spoken before.
I took Irie out with me to cut down some honeysuckle (it's trying to eat Earth) and I see our neighbor walking along his property line.  Odd, as we've lived here 10 years and we have NEVER stumbled across each other.
I've been witness to his 3 am firing of guns (and the cops swarming his yard) and his drunken bonfires (and the fire department swarming his yard), but we've never spoken.
But hey, he's on his property..and I'm out at the break of dawn..so no big deal, right?

Then he says..like a big freaking WEIRDO.."Aren't you worried about being all alone in the woods, so far from your house?"
Of course, this spooks me a little.
Maybe he's socially awkward..maybe I startled him so he's scrambling..but..WTF?! Who says that!?


Being the gentle woman I am, I reply "100 pounds of dog and a machete say I don't have to worry."
By the grace of God, Irie has excellent timing..she drops her head and Stares. Him. Down.
If you've never been on the receiving end of a Big Dog lowering their head at you and giving you The Stare, I'm very glad for you.  Terrifying.
Weirdo Neighbor doesn't say another word and hauls ass.

I'm sure right now he's telling his wife about the crazy bitch..make that bitches.. he met in the woods.
But..but..who says that?!  Who says that to a woman with a big dog and a machete?!

We've met many a stranger hiking in the woods, and no one has ever said anything weirder than "Hey, nice day" or "Pretty dogs".

If Weird Neighbor pulls something like that again..
I'm shoving carbs down his pants and releasing The Pig.


She may appear dainty and ladylike...

"Fruit is good for a girl's figure."

But she's been carb loading and running sprints on the hill...

"OMG.  Need oxygen.  And a Power Chair.  Wheeze"

 She's been practicing her Warrior Cry....

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAARBS!"

Now she's set to defend the property against Home Invasion by freakass neighbors.

"You supply me with baked goods and I'll go all When Animals Attack on whoever you want.
Even your husband.
He keeps singing 'Baby's Got Back' when he sees me."

Uh...girlfriend..you've ago got Front.
And Sides.

"Shut up or I sit on you."

Eight and counting..

8 days of rain..not constant, thank goodness.
The creeks and lakes aren't flooding, which shows how much rain was needed.

We're gathering up gear for a camping trip at the end of the week.
Michael cracks me up..the overnight temps are supposed to be around 42F (I think that's around 5C?).  No big deal to me, but he makes it sound like we're camping in Antarctica.
Did you know there was an expedition to Antarctica called Nimrod? Now, I get the hunter/biblical reference but all I can think about is the current word usage..and that's pretty dang funny.


Anyway.
I finally caved and bought a polarizing filter.
I blame Greg and his incredible sky photos.
Michael asked why I needed one now, since I've had my camera for a while...
"Some man from the internet said I did".
It's a miracle I'm allowed out of the house ;)

Shopping for the filter was interesting (read: confusing and made me cry a little).
"Miss, if you want to use automatic settings, I suggest you go with a circular polarizer blahblahblah...look, we have 168 billion for you to choose from!"
Circular...? Wait..what?
"Look, sir, I'll level with you.  I'm not a photographer.  I just..take photos. I don't want to know.  I just want my blue sky less washed out, and I want rid of the big giant pink tinted spots in white clouds...unless there's actually pink.  And..I don't want to sell a kidney so you can put THAT box down right now."
He sighed..and narrowed down the choices.
I haven't tested it out yet.

I don't want pink spots..unless there's actually pink spots.  Makes sense to me.

 Do they make a lens for....groundhog ear closeups?  NO!?  They don't make a macrohog lens?!

Freakishly shaped like a humans.

Pig continues to carry her snacks across the field to the front yard.  I do not know why.

"Mmmmm baked pahtaytah!"

Needs no caption.

"More potato, please!"

Sadly, no rice cracker hats (below her foot).  They don't fly very well, nor do they stick the landing like tortillas and lettuce.


In a few moments, I'll be sneaking out the back door and creeping around the woods like a serial killer...
so Pig doesn't see where I'm taking the crow food.

Dear Lee

or remnants of Tropical Storm Lee...
GO THE HELL AWAY.
Yes, we needed the rain...but...day 5 of rain here.
The dogs and I are gettin' a little crazy.
So is Pig.

"NO more freaking RAIN in my DEN"

Terrifying, isn't she?

I have been carrying the crow food all the way across the field, in hopes that Pig won't get it all.
I felt super smart.
Until yesterday, when she shows up outside the front door with the chunk of stale bread I had carried across the damned yard for the crows.

"You're so cute when you think you're outsmarting me"

Girlfriend, I don't think you need anymore carbs.  You're expanding East-West.

"Please.  You WISH you rocked a bod like this.
 By the way, I can see straight into your bedroom.
You need to up the bootcamp..maybe lay off food after..I dunno..2pm"

"Don't get all mad.  Just tellin' like it is.
I could eat your carbs for you."

Note the bread shrapnel falling from her paws..you can't take her anywhere nice.

We're off to town today...gah...

I love...

ok, bear with me here. I'm feeling particularly hostile this fine evening, so instead of ranting..


I love:  (envision sunshine, rainbows and puppies, instead of my current sneer)

Beaver Creek state park, in East Liverpool Ohio.
Amazing views, excellent camping, challenging trails.
Close to home!

These dog collars.
They last forever, don't mat or discolor their coats and come in outstanding colors.  You can call and order the Soft Slip in quick release safety collars.  They are fantastic!

Hmm...what else, what else!?
I'm still bitchy!

OH!

I love THIS organization.
Hardcore people..in hardcore sports..against dog fighting.  Rock on.

Ack, what else!?  FOOD.  Food makes me happy and full of love.

"You love BLTs.  Except you wouldn't give me any.  I just got the L part.  Jackass."

I had the best BLT today..simply perfect.  Crisp bacon, cool lettuce and a sun-warm tomato.  I could go for another five one right now!

Homemade tortillas.  I love homemade tortillas.
(do you see where everything comes back to food with me?!)
And when they go stale, corn tortillas are perfect for tossing to groundhogs.
(ok, food and groundhogs)

And, if you have mad skill like me, you can do this!

"Did you seriously just toss something on my head?"

"I will effing CUT YOU"

"Oh!  You can eat these!"

"Hell, try to get me again!"

I think I need out of the house a little more often.  I'm losin' it here, folks.
The lettuce yesterday gave me Evil Ideas today...and now we have Tortilla Hat.
If she acted scared, I wouldn't have done it...so don't get all "omg poor humiliated baby" on me or I'm shoving a groundhog down your pants.  

"No one..is leaving..the PIG"

Gardening.  I really do love to garden.  Right this moment since I'm NOT gardening.
I pulled up a Parisian carrot today..I LOVE!
Serious gardeners should look away now.....
They are so adorable..teeny little orangey orbs!

My melons are busting out (HA! T, that was for you!) of their thigh-high stocking slings.  I need to replace the stockings tomorrow.

Michael has worked a hellish shift this week..he leaves early, while I'm working, and by the time he gets home, I'm ready to pass out.  It sucks.
He's off this weekend and I can't WAIT to have some downtime with him.

I'm far less bitchy..still somewhat, as it is a permanent condition..but I don't feel like Riverdancing on someones kidneys now! :)
Yay!