Tuesday, September 13


Weird encounter with my neighbor this morning.  Part of my property is bordered by a neighbor I've only seen.  We've never spoken before.
I took Irie out with me to cut down some honeysuckle (it's trying to eat Earth) and I see our neighbor walking along his property line.  Odd, as we've lived here 10 years and we have NEVER stumbled across each other.
I've been witness to his 3 am firing of guns (and the cops swarming his yard) and his drunken bonfires (and the fire department swarming his yard), but we've never spoken.
But hey, he's on his property..and I'm out at the break of dawn..so no big deal, right?

Then he says..like a big freaking WEIRDO.."Aren't you worried about being all alone in the woods, so far from your house?"
Of course, this spooks me a little.
Maybe he's socially awkward..maybe I startled him so he's scrambling..but..WTF?! Who says that!?

Being the gentle woman I am, I reply "100 pounds of dog and a machete say I don't have to worry."
By the grace of God, Irie has excellent timing..she drops her head and Stares. Him. Down.
If you've never been on the receiving end of a Big Dog lowering their head at you and giving you The Stare, I'm very glad for you.  Terrifying.
Weirdo Neighbor doesn't say another word and hauls ass.

I'm sure right now he's telling his wife about the crazy bitch..make that bitches.. he met in the woods.
But..but..who says that?!  Who says that to a woman with a big dog and a machete?!

We've met many a stranger hiking in the woods, and no one has ever said anything weirder than "Hey, nice day" or "Pretty dogs".

If Weird Neighbor pulls something like that again..
I'm shoving carbs down his pants and releasing The Pig.

She may appear dainty and ladylike...
"Fruit is good for a girl's figure."

But she's been carb loading and running sprints on the hill...
"OMG.  Need oxygen.  And a Power Chair.  Wheeze"

 She's been practicing her Warrior Cry....

Now she's set to defend the property against Home Invasion by freakass neighbors.
"You supply me with baked goods and I'll go all When Animals Attack on whoever you want.
Even your husband.
He keeps singing 'Baby's Got Back' when he sees me."
Uh...girlfriend..you've ago got Front.
And Sides.
"Shut up or I sit on you."