Sunday, October 23

I am not..

a cat person.
Neither is Michael.
Yet, there are three cats raining terror on our household.
I realized a lot of you didn't know we had three cats.
Sorry, cats.


The Chaos Cats..A Novel


I did not intentionally get cats.

Cat number one, Pumpkin, has a strange story.
Years ago, we lived in a townhouse (which, by the way, was in the middle of nowhere. Townhouse, my foot).
There was a colony of feral cats and one of them decided to give birth on my deck.  After the local shelter informed us they had no room at the inn unless the kittens were old enough to adopt out, we trapped Mama and took all of them to the vet ....and suffered through 8 weeks of rage-filled feral Mama.
One of the kittens was a tortoiseshell with a distinct pumpkin shape on her belly. A year or so later, living at our current house, a tortoiseshell came wandering up the driveway.  She flopped onto her back and..distinct pumpkin shape.  WTH?!  With the shelter's help, we found out a neighbor had adopted her.
Small town, baby.
Neighbor didn't want her, so..she stayed.  She behaves like we beat her.  Reach down to caress her pretty head?  She cowers.  Call her name?  She flees and hides.
You can imagine the looks we get from new houseguests.

"They beat me..with sticks."

"...and big rocks."


Cat 2, Bella..she of the club foot and deformed tail..was adopted.  Against my better judgement.
I was at the shelter with my mom and brother..they were looking for a cat..when this toad-like thing reached through the bars and snatched at my sleeve, crying desperately into my face.  The shelter volunteer (a good friend who knows I am a Dog Person and had one more cat than I wanted already) gave me her story.
Bella was dumped for being ugly.  Her former owner wanted a "pretty kitty, not this".  At the shelter, she was accidentally sent to be spayed with a group of cats on the day she was going to be euthanized.  They decided to give her a little while longer, but her paperwork had her scheduled in two days.
Of course, being a sucker, I cried out against the injustice of only PRETTY animals getting adopted..not toad-shaped, club footed, deformed tailed animals.  I gave her a lovely name, Bella Luna, because of her luminous yellow eyes.
  Frankly, I think her previous owner dumped her in an attempt to save her own life.
No idea why Bella has a club foot or deformed tail...or why she's irrevocably evil.
That poor, dear thing with the club foot? She uses the club to beat the shit out of the dogs, pounding it violently on top of their heads.
She purrs and rolls about playfully until the dogs come to lick her, and then bites them.  Bella has trapped our 97 pound Akita in the hallway and wouldn't let her pass.
She is not a pleasant creature.

"I will END YOU."

"End you, I say!"

Cat 3, Pippin, was found in a grocery store parking lot.
We heard this ungodly noise coming from behind a dumpster and went to investigate. It sounded like a blue jay...in a blender.
Tiny 5 week old kitten, with horrible festering wounds on his tiny pink nose, and completely starved..
Sucker!
 I carried him straight to the vet (who thinks the wounds were caused by cigarette burns).
Pippin has turned into a giant, FAT, drooling weirdo.
There is nothing medically wrong with him, he's fed a rationed amount on a strict schedule..and yet he remains enormous.  I have a photo I will NOT post where he looks like a bloated corpse.  Mortifying.
This KILLS me, as I have a huge problem with fat pets (like people, it wrecks their health, except they depend on US to keep them healthy).
 I'm convinced Pippin is my cross to bear for being judgmental about the owners of fat pets.
He pulls my dirty laundry out of baskets and kneads them...while drooling.
I can't hold him for very long.  He drools so badly and tries to suckle my ears.
I have to lock him out of the bathroom or he smashes his face into the glass shower door and howls while I shower.
What the hell is wrong with this cat?!
Cat people, tell me!
A few weeks after we found him...nose is healing

Pouncing, not peeing.

*tee hee*

All grown up..fat..drooly and weird as hell.

We have three cats we feed, vet, groom and pet (as much as they'll allow)..and we are still not Cat People.
Dog People, all the way.
We don't dislike cats.  Dogs just fit our needs and lifestyles better.
Try trail running with cats.

People try to tell me they all knew I would help them..
on some cosmic, magical level they knew I would save them.
I think there's a cat message board out there with a post titled "SUCKER!"..and my photo.