I hate..

Commercials related to gardening.

Perfectly clean people, without a drop of sweat, gently messing about their lush oasis.

WTFingF.

I don't know one person on Earth that looks like that after working in the garden!
Show me a filthy, sweaty person, spewing profanity.. I'll run like hell to buy your MiracleWeedBeGoneMegaVegAndBloom.
Show me someone with dirt-stained knees (which won't go away until you grow new skin).

Show me someone who may or may not have forgotten their gloves and just pulled up a "I think that was highly toxic and oh shit, I just wiped my mouth!".

Show me someone who gives up and chops their nails to painfully short lengths because no matter what, they can't keep the garden soil cleaned from under their nails.

Or maybe that's all just me. 
God, I hope not!

Hip hop abs..or, how I nearly died

It wasn't Hip Hop Abs' fault.
It was Voodoo's. Death by setter.
I got a free copy of HHA with my ShakeO kit.
OK, you know I'm always up for a challenge...this is probably why I won't see 40.
I watched the basic section, where we learn to Tilt, Tuck, Tighten. Seems simple enough so here we go!
I was following along fairly well, a minor miracle for me, when a certain Voo decided to break his stay and flop down right behind me.
*flail/scream/crash*
I didn't step on him, thank God, but.. WTH dog! Really?!
Do you have a death wish!?
For revenge, I'm making him advertise HHA while holding his down/stay.
So there!
Voo is no way endorses Shaun T or Hip Hop Abs. He says it makes uncoordinated white chicks fall from the sky

Product review: Rustoleum Restore Stain

Las year, we stripped, sanded and cleaned the deck and applied Rustoleum Restore Deck stain. Gorgeous color, easy application and cleanup.
And then it all went to hell.
By fall, there were peeling spots. This spring? Well.. That whole photo is worth a thousand words thing........
I am livid.

40 minutes on hold to get transferred for another 20 minute hold.
I have to supply photos, receipts, deck dimensions and then they will *walk me through* what went wrong. No way they are refunding me.
Sorry, Rustoleum, you get no more business from us!

Just an FYI. I followed directions and I'm very skilled with DIY projects. 

befire

Things People Say..and a babble

"You should just be happy you're alive!"
Generally said when I'm grumbling about something normal..like a clogged septic line (ew).
Telling someone who has any kind of medical ANYTHING just to be happy they are alive...is a good way to get kicked.
My appreciation for life doesn't vanish when I'm outside in sleet and howling winds, with 40 feet of septic line snake.  It's just..taking a back burner for the moment.

"Oh, you must feel good...you look fine!"
Because you have a portable CT and can see the blood clot in my lung? Awesome!

I sleep 8 hrs a night, and nap at least 2 hours during the day.
I am weak and shaky and dizzy a lot.
I am cold constantly.
I am grumpy as all hell.

THIS IS NOT ME.
Ok, the grumpy part is.......

"Blood thinners! Well, don't cut yourself!"
*blink*
Well, shit. There goes my plans for the weekend.


---
I know this stuff isn't said to be unkind or dismissive...but after the 53rd time...
I warned you about the grumpy, right?

Ok, moving on!

You see the line of yellow Gorilla Glue on the feeder...and the reason why.
I need cast iron bird feeders!

-------
I went birding a few weeks ago...
I saw two horned grebes (adult, non breeding..so sayeth the bird books)!!!

Canada goose photo bombing

I also saw a black-crowned night heron.  I'll spare you the horrid photo.
Two birds off my life list.
HAPPY!

out, out damned..um..clot

I am currently in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism.

yes, SERIOUSLY.

what the HELL!!!!!

Horrible pain in right rib area was only symptom.

My tiny, random clot is in my right lung...hanging around for no obvious freaking reason.
As soon as my blood thinner levels are correct, I get to leave.
i'm in fabulous condition aside from the CLOT OF BLOOD IN MY LUNG WTF JUST HAPPENED?!?!

send some "get out of jail" thoughts, ok? my health is fine, since we caught this clot in time.  You don't even wanna know the statistics on death from pulmonary embolisms.  I sure as shit didn't want to know.
I am, however, going batshit crazy in here.

I need OUT.

So i can spend 6-12 months trying not to kill my dumb ass with blood thinners!

(i'm really ok.  scared the shit out of us...very surreal..but I'm ok!)

I look so hot with my heart monitor and double IVs ...sexy!

Glorious cold front! Oh, screw it.

I had plans today.
I intended to toss on a rain coat and slosh through the woods in the wondrous 65 degree temps.
Wind and rain and COOL AIR.
I was making my bastard chicken pot pies, with cornbread on top.
(no one wants to eat that shit when it's 98 degrees)
I intended to snuggle down with Michael after dinner and watch tv
(because for the past 3 months if he tries to cuddle I growl "get OFF me, you heat producing freak)


Michael had to get up at 4:30 am.
So, I hop into bed by 10 like a good little wifey..that way I can get up with him and get him out the door on time.
The man has slept through 80 mph winds and the strongest thunderstorm we've ever experienced.  He's slept through me running a chainsaw 30 feet from THREE open bedroom windows.

It's not too different from my normal schedule.  I channel the angry spirit of an 1800s farm wife.  I believe sleeping past 7 am is wasting half the day.  I blame my grandmother.

I start to doze about 11pm.
11:30- honey, do you know where my socks are? They are not in the drawer.
Look in the @#$% laundry basket of CLEAN SOCKS you haven't put away.
Oh..crap. I'm so sorry, babe. I didn't see the basket.  In front of the dresser.  I'm really sorry.

12:15
*click. click click. click. click click click*
Michael, what the hell are you doing?!
I think my reading light is dying.
So change the @#$% battery.
I should probably go to sleep.  I'll change it tomorrow.

1:20
Michael's arm is flung across my face.
I pinch him. He doesn't move.
I jab him in the ribs and he grunts, tightens his arm around my head and mumbles "love you".
Lies.

1:35
He's flat on his back, snoring.
He never snores, so this is extra salt in my wounds/fuel to my rage.
I believe he's intentionally snoring.

2:00
Dogs bark madly at something/nothing.
I fling myself out of bed, ready to take on invaders.
Michael snuggles into the pillows and makes a noise of contentment.

2:45
Michael's deep, even breathing is just pissing me off.

I gather pillow, blanket and dogs and head to the couch.

3:45
the wind screams up the hill and rain lashes the house. Incredible lightning pulses against my dry, red eyes.
One of the Altheas outside the living room decides to scrape the siding over and over.
And over.

4:00
Weatherbug alerts me to a severe storm
No shit, Weatherbug.

4:10
I give up and make coffee.



Now I'm too damned tired to slosh.
But by God, I'm making pot pie.

Gender roles/arachnids/bad for you/Pig

My two big, burly garbage men complained about the weight of my trash. (!?)
I'm not throwing away concrete block, people.  It's regular old household trash.

I asked if they needed my help lifting it into the truck, since I'm the one that carried it all the way down to the road.
"Oh, we figured your husband did." (!!??)
Sigh...and who says that?
"No, he was washing dishes when I took the trash out.  We have our gender roles confused."
I think I confused them, as both of them glanced at my chest.


We've had a ton of gorgeous spiders this year.
Please note: my spider photography sucks.  Most often, I'm in some crazy position trying to avoid webs!

I know a lot of you are ready to slap me for giant spider shots, but I love me some arachnids.
They kill stinkbugs.  They can do no wrong.
Plus, they scare the shit out of Michael...and it's just plain funny when my 6'2 husband runs.. screaming.

  I made a few dishes to freeze..snacky, side-dishy things.
Of course, I had to taste test.

Mushrooms with bourbon cured bacon and a little brown sugar.
I'm not a huge bacon fan DON'T HURT ME!, but these...I could eat my weight in these.  They didn't make it to the freezer.  After we ate a portion with dinner, well, there was no point in freezing the measly amount left.  Waste of freezer space!  I'll make another batch to freeze.  And I won't devour them like some shroom crazed beast. This time.

Michael is a fan of jalapeno poppers.  I am not.
They are tasteless blobs of deep fried nothing-but-hot.  
Unless...you use seasoned panko and a special blend of cheeses and perfectly ripe peppers from the garden.
I even bake the suckers, so we don't have DEEP FRIED SIN..
I'm all about deep fried goodies.  That part is more for people that worry about their arteries.  Unlike me.  Apparently.  Mmm.  Deep fried swiss cheese.  When the hell is the county fair?! 

They are absolutely delicious, except when I got my peppers confused and made some with Michael's OMGWTF peppers.  I have no idea what type they are, except they are yellowish and contain enough heat to make the sun sweat blood.  After I put out my face-fire, they were quite tasty.
Michael LOVES them and declares all other poppers "a waste of time".  How can I refuse to make giant batches of these stupid things?

___________
PIG UPDATE:
For those that asked, Pig is gone.  Or in witness protection. Or at Fat Camp.
I fear she's gone to the Great Bakery in the Sky.
We had one incident with a Pig-that-maybe-wasn't...and that ghog hasn't been back.

I miss her, kind of.
I do not miss her breaking and entering, harassing me, harassing the dogs, eating my yard, etc.
It was kind of nice not to worry every single time I let the dogs out.
   Wherever she is, I hope she is fat and happy and full of caaaaaaaaaaaarbs.

Babble.

Honestly, which of my posts aren't babble?
--
I recently mentioned to a friend that I had never seen a pine siskin.

Nope.  Never.

Not a one.

Master of the Obvious, I'm not..and yet there are people out there that follow me into the woods.
I should come with a warning label.

---
I have an appointment with my Dr today.
Loathe. Detest.
I found a little bump on top of my foot.  No idea WTH it is, but I decided it was time to seek medical advice when bumping it almost made me pee my pants (excessive profanity helped with the pain).
---
I LOVE this candle company...and they ship!
If anyone wants to shower me with love, I'll accept 1000 Peppermint Patty candles.
I'm selfless like that.
---
Our gorgeous 70 degree days turned into 38 and drizzle.
I'm thrilled I spent the last few days wandering in and out of the house, enjoying the sun!
---
The birds are enjoying this *fancy* food.
Bird crack.
I'm sure Scotts doesn't appreciate me calling their food crack, but they aren't paying me or giving me free stuff..so..
BIRD CRACK!
The woodpeckers in particular are going crazy on it.
How are black oil sunflower seed prices in your area?  $28 for 50 lbs here! Holy crow!
The birds better get jobs and start contributing!
---
By the way, I swore I didn't have photos of the Common Merganser couple, either:

Now..anyone up for a hike in the deep woods?

Blah..but not.

We're dealing with a bunch of crazy, stressy stuff right now.
New and exciting stress we've never dealt with before
(Sarcasm...a healing balm for my soul).
I'm going between anxious/hyper and anxious/blahhh.
Headaches, sore shoulders, insomnia..all that awesome stuff.
But..this isn't a whining, complaining post.
At all.
I am full of appreciation for what we have.
For our warped senses of humor getting us through this.
For that moment when Michael is finally home from Hell Job and we crash on the couch together...
and for that span of time, everything is ok.

Scoot over, Voodoo..we'll watch for Michael together.

I'm full-to-the-eyeballs with appreciation for the dogs and cats..

Pile of  warm bodies and a down comforter..better than Xanax!

Warm bodies to snuggle when I need it.
Warm bodies that don't judge when I stress eat my stash of really, really expensive cheese. 
A large stash.  
I did eat apples along with the cheese...so we're calling it healthy, got it?
Once again, I hate that couch. It's extremely comfortable, but..here's the shallow part..it always looks funky and dirty in photos.
Stupid microsuede.
*grumble*
But..dammit..we HAVE a couch. In a house.
That's far more than some people have.
So truly..not bitching.

The weather doesn't help.
It has been gray and rainy...chilly...
We need some sunshine, even if it's cold!
I know most Texans are ready to smack me with their rain gauges for crying about too much rain..so I'll shut up about that, too! ;)

GRR..but...

Vile human being.
Destroying A nest..ONE nest..is bad enough.
"1,458 nests and 2,400 eggs and chicks had been destroyed. Only one chick was still alive."
I have faith this scumbag's personal Hell will be filled with extremely pissed off birds.
----
NOW.
Moving on, because I refuse to allow this to upset me for the rest of the day..week..month..
We had a stunning morning..the fog and sunlight..just gorgeous.

Aside from the getting the pee scared out of me...

Ok, that was kinda low.  Scared me and the birds!

It was a perfect morning.

Part of our woods..

The five of us tromped around in the woods for a bit, then worked in the back yard.
Well, I worked.
The dogs did dog stuff.

"Bird!  BIRD!"

 Yes, Voodoo..there are birds at the bird feeder.

Strider and Henry, with Voo pointing...mushrooms...in the background.
Mushrooms.
His ancestors laugh.

 Voodoo doesn't eat mushrooms, but I dispose of the ones he finds. Why tempt fate?

Shortly after her Majestic Akita shot, Irie got her head stuck in a bucket.

I also stubbed my toes into one of those @#$%s.  That'll teach me to wear flipflops during chestnut season!
Once my toes stop throbbing, we're heading back out to the woods.

Maybe we can all do something kind for wildlife this weekend, to help make up for the *shortcomings* of some of our species.

She's back.

I don't know what you'll all do when Pig hibernates!

Frankly, a winter of NOT keeping Pig away from the front door...the dogs..the water heater closet...sounds dreamy!  Go to sleeeep, Pig.  Sleeeeep.
She's hilarious, but she's a big pain!

I made calzones with vegetarian pepperoni..Pig stole the leftovers meant for the crows.  Again.
At least she carried it to her den instead of right outside the front door.

"Something is off about this thing.."

"Smells...weird.."

'What the hell is vegetarian pepperoni?!"

"Ah well, I'll give it a shot!"

 Just because I could....

"Well, that was utter crap.  Got any plain bread?"

 Note the discarded *pepperoni* by her feet?
Un-freakin'-believable.

Michael mowed his down with nary a word.
After finding out it wasn't real pepperoni, he said "It tasted strange".  I don't buy it.
The color changing factor of the fake pepperoni is a turnoff for me.
It started out darker..as it cooked it turned orange.  Freaky.

Heading outside to pick up chestnuts (since the dogs and I step on the damned things!).
 Enjoy your day!

Oh...40% chance of rain now.  UGH!

To camp or not to camp..

That is the question.

So, Michael's workplace (as a further example of WTF are they DOING) realized Person X was back from paternity leave in time to cover this weekend.
YAY! Camping!
Of course the weather forecast changed..the camping gods like to mess with my head.
  Instead of 65 and sunny both days, we have 50-53 during the day and mid 30s at night.. and a 30% chance of showers.
Now, we camped 2 weeks ago with a 30% chance and nothin'. Cloudy and chilly but gorgeous.
Last year's Camp Hell was a 30% chance of rain.  We nearly drowned IN the tent.

Does it make me an Outdoor Pansy Ass if I don't want to get rained on and freeze my buns off?
I tease one of my friends about being an Outdoor Pansy Ass..she hates Outside unless it's a certain temp/humidity/cloud coverage.
Heathypooh, I love you..but you know you're an OPA.


No Pig again today..but the deer were out in force.  I missed both the big buck and the little fellow I posted a few days ago.
I did grab a quick shot of Mom and Triplets.

*sniffle*  No more spots!

Annoyances..mild to moderate

We took three of the dogs for a ride last night.
While we were stopped at our little local store (deer checking station, beer, lotto, local deer jerky..you know, kick ass redneck store!) some jackass peered into the car and said, "Is that a Llewellin? Does he hunt?"
Nope, he's a family dog.
"Wow. What a waste", he says.

Poor Voo..he suffers so.

Rather than get jackass blood all over my car, I just raised my eyebrow and stared at him.
"Uh..nothing wrong with a good family dog, but it's a shame if he's from good lines.."
*stare*
"Well, none of my business"..and he fled.

WHY do people feel it's appropriate to give their completely freaking moronic opinion to complete strangers?
Plus, Voodoo points tomato horn worms and Japanese beetles for me.  This is far more useful to me than pointing pheasants.  I don't have a lot of pheasants or quail rampaging in the garden.

"But you have bird feeders.. and lots of turkeys I can point!"

-----
We're supposed to have gorgeous weather this coming weekend..yayyy camping!!
Wait.  No camping?! Maybe? Depends on Michael's coworkers (not including his work BFF) and head of HR getting their shit together ..for once?
Oh, God..we're screwed.
----
I felt something crawling in my hair and extracted a stinkbug.  A stinkbug that sprayed me.
I took great pleasure in stomping his stankass.
It took three shampoos before I couldn't smell stinkbug.
To be fair, it's not a horrible smell..but Moderately Unpleasant bug doesn't roll off the tongue.
 FYI: Asking Michael to "smell the back of my head and see if I still stink" got amusing results.


Stinkbugs are everywhere in our area (and the freakin' east coast).  Open the door for a few minutes and they swarm in.  They love to hunker down in annoying places like rolls of paper towels, the hood of your jacket or even better- your sock drawer.
"I swear, that stink isn't my feet."

Freaky!

Weird encounter with my neighbor this morning.  Part of my property is bordered by a neighbor I've only seen.  We've never spoken before.
I took Irie out with me to cut down some honeysuckle (it's trying to eat Earth) and I see our neighbor walking along his property line.  Odd, as we've lived here 10 years and we have NEVER stumbled across each other.
I've been witness to his 3 am firing of guns (and the cops swarming his yard) and his drunken bonfires (and the fire department swarming his yard), but we've never spoken.
But hey, he's on his property..and I'm out at the break of dawn..so no big deal, right?

Then he says..like a big freaking WEIRDO.."Aren't you worried about being all alone in the woods, so far from your house?"
Of course, this spooks me a little.
Maybe he's socially awkward..maybe I startled him so he's scrambling..but..WTF?! Who says that!?


Being the gentle woman I am, I reply "100 pounds of dog and a machete say I don't have to worry."
By the grace of God, Irie has excellent timing..she drops her head and Stares. Him. Down.
If you've never been on the receiving end of a Big Dog lowering their head at you and giving you The Stare, I'm very glad for you.  Terrifying.
Weirdo Neighbor doesn't say another word and hauls ass.

I'm sure right now he's telling his wife about the crazy bitch..make that bitches.. he met in the woods.
But..but..who says that?!  Who says that to a woman with a big dog and a machete?!

We've met many a stranger hiking in the woods, and no one has ever said anything weirder than "Hey, nice day" or "Pretty dogs".

If Weird Neighbor pulls something like that again..
I'm shoving carbs down his pants and releasing The Pig.


She may appear dainty and ladylike...

"Fruit is good for a girl's figure."

But she's been carb loading and running sprints on the hill...

"OMG.  Need oxygen.  And a Power Chair.  Wheeze"

 She's been practicing her Warrior Cry....

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAARBS!"

Now she's set to defend the property against Home Invasion by freakass neighbors.

"You supply me with baked goods and I'll go all When Animals Attack on whoever you want.
Even your husband.
He keeps singing 'Baby's Got Back' when he sees me."

Uh...girlfriend..you've ago got Front.
And Sides.

"Shut up or I sit on you."

Eight and counting..

8 days of rain..not constant, thank goodness.
The creeks and lakes aren't flooding, which shows how much rain was needed.

We're gathering up gear for a camping trip at the end of the week.
Michael cracks me up..the overnight temps are supposed to be around 42F (I think that's around 5C?).  No big deal to me, but he makes it sound like we're camping in Antarctica.
Did you know there was an expedition to Antarctica called Nimrod? Now, I get the hunter/biblical reference but all I can think about is the current word usage..and that's pretty dang funny.


Anyway.
I finally caved and bought a polarizing filter.
I blame Greg and his incredible sky photos.
Michael asked why I needed one now, since I've had my camera for a while...
"Some man from the internet said I did".
It's a miracle I'm allowed out of the house ;)

Shopping for the filter was interesting (read: confusing and made me cry a little).
"Miss, if you want to use automatic settings, I suggest you go with a circular polarizer blahblahblah...look, we have 168 billion for you to choose from!"
Circular...? Wait..what?
"Look, sir, I'll level with you.  I'm not a photographer.  I just..take photos. I don't want to know.  I just want my blue sky less washed out, and I want rid of the big giant pink tinted spots in white clouds...unless there's actually pink.  And..I don't want to sell a kidney so you can put THAT box down right now."
He sighed..and narrowed down the choices.
I haven't tested it out yet.

I don't want pink spots..unless there's actually pink spots.  Makes sense to me.

 Do they make a lens for....groundhog ear closeups?  NO!?  They don't make a macrohog lens?!

Freakishly shaped like a humans.

Pig continues to carry her snacks across the field to the front yard.  I do not know why.

"Mmmmm baked pahtaytah!"

Needs no caption.

"More potato, please!"

Sadly, no rice cracker hats (below her foot).  They don't fly very well, nor do they stick the landing like tortillas and lettuce.


In a few moments, I'll be sneaking out the back door and creeping around the woods like a serial killer...
so Pig doesn't see where I'm taking the crow food.

Dear Lee

or remnants of Tropical Storm Lee...
GO THE HELL AWAY.
Yes, we needed the rain...but...day 5 of rain here.
The dogs and I are gettin' a little crazy.
So is Pig.

"NO more freaking RAIN in my DEN"

Terrifying, isn't she?

I have been carrying the crow food all the way across the field, in hopes that Pig won't get it all.
I felt super smart.
Until yesterday, when she shows up outside the front door with the chunk of stale bread I had carried across the damned yard for the crows.

"You're so cute when you think you're outsmarting me"

Girlfriend, I don't think you need anymore carbs.  You're expanding East-West.

"Please.  You WISH you rocked a bod like this.
 By the way, I can see straight into your bedroom.
You need to up the bootcamp..maybe lay off food after..I dunno..2pm"

"Don't get all mad.  Just tellin' like it is.
I could eat your carbs for you."

Note the bread shrapnel falling from her paws..you can't take her anywhere nice.

We're off to town today...gah...